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Star Tours: The Adventures Continue (Part 1)
Preface open with Jerk nearby Star Tours Jerk: stunned Great Guardians of the Galaxy! the camera Oh hi, I'm Some Jerk with a Camera and welcome to Some Jerk with a Camera Season 2, beginning with my two-part review of the new Star Tours, Star Tours: The Adventures Continue. Both of these parts were first uploaded on May 25th, 2012, about six months or so before Disney bought Lucasfilm, which is why not only are there no references to Disney buying Lucasfilm, as a matter of fact, I make a big monologue at one point about how George Lucas will own Lucasfilm forever. throat Anyway, as you might recall, the previous episode ended on a following cliffhanger. blow kisses that previous episode, It's a Small World Part 3. Episode at an airport with The Wire, SpazzMaster, [[What We Had to Watch|Il Neige], and Uncle Paul] Jerk: Alright, people, you all have your instructions. Let's rendezvous in Barbados in three weeks. to shot of the Delorean traveling back in time. Fade to 1964 in New York World's Fair in 1964, where Jerk points his iPod at the It's a Small World ride which plays his parody song of the ride, Though we hear the Glee cover of "Do They Know It's Christmas?" from the montage of the others destroying various It's A Small World rides around the world. The 1964 New York Fair It's A Small World explodes and afterwards, Jerk nods in satisfaction, takes his sunglasses off, and replaces them with his own glasses. Jerk then stops and realizes Jerk: Wait a minute, my mother's in there. dissolves out of existence. We then cut to the caption: “Barbados 3 weeks later.” We cut to Spazz, Wire, and Il Nege sitting on a towel on a beach. The Wire: at her watch What do you think’s taking the Jerk so long? Spazz Master: '''Who? '''Wire: ''''Confused I don’t know. Eh, Whatever. down on the beach. then cut to Disneyland, we hear the sound of the Delorean re-appearing as Jerk re-appears, Looking shell shocked. Jerk: What just happened? [We then hear a booming voice as a calls out. Jerk looks up.]''' '''The All-Being v/o: '''SOME JERK WITH A CAMERA! '''Jerk: '''Who said that? '''All-Being ''v/o: PREPARE FOR MY PRESENCE! ''{We see on a tower in a weird color filter,' Ryan Hipp as the All-Being. He wears a hoodie with the hood on, a cape and holds a toy Darth Maul lightsaber with no blades.]'' 'All-Being: '''BEHOLD MY ASTONISHING POWER, PITFUL MORTAL, FOR I AM THE ALL-BEING! ''looks scared. Master of time, space, and dimension. Fear before me, you puny mortal! Kneel before your master! 'Jerk: '[Still scared, then realizes] ''Are you wearing a blanket? '''All-being: '''Shut up and state you ‘pupose!’ '''Jerk: '“State my puppies?” What…What happened to me? Where am I? 'All-Being: '''Where do you think you are? '''Jerk: '''Well, I…around, sees the Disneyland entrance Looks like I’m in Dinseyland. Is this heaven? '''All-Being: '''Oh god no! That place has gone to shit ever since the tourists discovered it! You are in an alternate dimension. Tell me, Mr. With A Camera, what is the last thing you remember? '''Jerk: '''Well, I remember traveling back in time to 1964 and erasing myself from existence. '''All-Being: '''Your existence, yes. But, I have sent you to an alternate existence, which by staggering coincidence is exactly identical to the one you came from. '''Jerk: '''Really? There’s nothing the slightest bit different? '''All-Being: '''Nothing whatsoever! '''Jerk: '''Wow, what are the odds? '''All-Being: '''Incalculable! Kind of pisses me off, really. I love watching you idiots getting accustomed to new surroundings. ''a mocking voice of people asking annoying questions ''Why is the sky purple? Why can’t the kangaroos talk? What’s a penis? Why do the $2 hookers always stab me? Why is baby Jesus a black girl? ''up a painting of a black girl. 'Jerk: '''Did you have to send me to an exactly identical dimension? I mean, aren’t there any dimensions with no war? '''All-Being: '''Yeah, but they don’t allow Jews there. Apparently, Mel Gibson was right. '''Jerk: '''Interesting. '''All-Being: '''Farewell Jerk, I’m needed elsewhere! UNIVERSES TO CONTROL! MULITVERSES TO COMMAND! '''Jerk: '''Ok, well, Thanks! And thanks for letting me get picked up on ''in ''Channel Awesome. '''All-Being: '''No prob…wait what happened? ''forward to Jerk, but trips over. '''Jerk: ''to the camera Ladies and Gentlemen, season 2. ''then cut to a drawing of a parody of the Disneyland Walt statue, with Jerk in place of Walt, holding Mickeys’s hand with the “Some Jerk With A Camera” Logo in the font of the Disney logo. John Williams’ Star Wars Main Theme is head as a “II” breaks through the picture from “[[Star Wars: Attack of the Clones|Attack of the Clones]” advertisement. We then cut to black and white footage of the review for the original Star Tours.] '' '''Jerk ''v/o: As you may remember, last year I joined forces with Spazz Master and The Wire of “An Idiots Lantern” to review the defunct, original Star Tours, which everyone loved, just before the opening of the prequel inclusive, brand new Star Tours, which no one really considered necessary. Star Tours: The Adventures Continue, retroactively apparently since this rise is itself a prequel of the original ride, has been open for almost a year now. '''[Cut to Jerk in front of a poster for Star Tours: The Adventures Continue] Jerk: So I the time has come to ask ourselves to ask me: “Was it necessary?” “How does the new fangled pretend space plane compare to the old fangled pretend space plane?” “Did we, the fans, get an upgrade or a downgrade?” to Jerk in front of the Disney Castle. ''Wow, that was a short walk up Main Street. Huh. Now, I know that it’s been less than a year and some of the more foolish non-Californians among you still consider ''a mocking voice ''“Food and shelter” ''Normal more important than traveling to Di’neyland every year! I don’t pretend to understand that, but I appreciate your viewership, so I must warn you that this review will contain spoilers. around, now having a police hat on his head. And the choice between tolerating spoilers and depriving yourself of this to his whole body ''is a difficult one indeed, one I would not wish upon my worst enemies. My worst enemies don’t watch this show, however. So, while you people are making up your minds, please enjoy this clip of Weird Al Yankovic singing gospel music. ''actually a clip of Weird Al using a pair of pliers to yank one of his teeth out. He does and blood is gushing out of his mouth. '' '''Weird Al Yankovic:' Wow, look at that! Jerk: Ok, that was obviously the wrong clip, so screw it! If you want my spoiler free opinion, just skip to the in 16 normal minute mark in in part 2 normal ''but minimize the screen so you don’t see anything. Got it? Good! turns again and is now in front of Star Tours: The Adventure Continues. His police hat now gone. '''Jerk:' Now, as I mentioned, last time I tried to review a ride called “Star Tours,” Spazz and The Wire showed up whack-iIy made it a co-review. I sure hope that doesn’t happen again. around for the 2 to appear I sure hope that doesn’t happen again. around, they’re still not there, so he shouts I SURE HOPE THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN AGAI- then cut to Spazz and Wire in front of the Walt Disney World Star Tours: The Adventures Continue in Florida. The 2 look are looking off to the side, happy. Wire: So, how many times did you ride it? to him Spazz: 19, you? Wire: 22! sees where they are In fact, I’m still riding it, to the camera and gestures to herself ''this is a hologram right now! '''Spazz:' Really? Wire: Yeah! Jerk: Spazz? The Wire? Is that Disney’s Hollywood Studios behind you? YOU GUYS WENT TO DISNEY WORLD WITHOUT ME?!?! AGAIN?!?! back to Barbados, Il Nege notices that Spazz and Wire are no longer sitting next to him. Il Nege: Where’d everybody go? back to Disney World Wire: Jerk Well, uh… Spazz: Jerk We were kidnapped! Wire: Yes! Yes, we didn’t have a choice in the matter! Spazz: Totally! Wire: Yes, uh, we were just eating at In-N-Out Burger and, uh… Spazz: Yeah and these terrorists knocked us out, gagged us, bound us, and drugged us. Wire: And when we woke up, we were riding Spaceship Earth! Spazz: Totally happened. Wire: Yes, totally happened. Jerk: for a few seconds YOU GUYS WENT TO IN-N- OUT BURGER WITHOUT ME?!?! Wire: We were kidnapped twice ? Jerk: Oh! I’m sorry I yelled at you, that makes perfect sense. So, how do you like Disney World? Indeed, how can you like a resort with no Star Tours ride? behind him at Star Tours: The Adventures Continue, grinning that he got the better deal. Wire: What are you talking about? Jerk: Quite simple, really; the new Star Tours only opened in the American Disney resorts last summer and Disney World being it’s own separate ‘Disney World’ outside of Earth, isn’t even on this planet, let alone in America. So, no new Star Tours for you, just Realizes plain old real space travel. to smile to not look upset Wire: Uh, what do you mean? It’s right behind us. Spazz: And it totally kicks holy ass! Wire: '''It totally does! '''Spazz: Yeah, just like the part with the Darth Vader… Wire: Yeah and… 2 start miming and making noises of what happens on the ride. Jerk looks angry at their fun. Spazz: fly off to the pod race noises ''Hoth in the ice planet with the sledding. Lets bow to the thing, shall we? '''Wire:' Yes! 2 start bowing and chanting gibberish to the ride. Jerk: '''OK! Ok, so Disney World got the exact same ride. '''Spazz: Well, not quite, the queue here in Florida is a whole lot better with all the Stormtroopers marching around. Wire: And there’s too additional motion simulators here, which help the line move a bit faster. Jerk: Angry ''I WANT TO BE KIDNAPPED! ME! NOT YOU! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME ME! ME! ME! ''still yells as the 2 aren’t bothered. Spazz: Wire You know, I could really go for some In-N-Out Burger right now. Wire: So could I. Spazz: Yeah, let’s go. leave the frame. Jerk goes up to some random guy. Jerk: Hey you, want to kidnap me? Guy: Ok. Jerk: Good, let’s go. to black with the caption: “Three weeks later.” We then cut to Jerk in an open field with cows. Jerk: This isn’t right at all! then do a wipe transition to the ride Jerk v/o: 'So, our Star Tours adventure continues to begin when we enter the show building space port thingy and once again see the huge screen showing Star Wars planet travelogues. ''shows some of the Mos Eisley clips from “A New Hope.” 'Announcer ''v/o:'' an upbeat, positive tone'' No visit is complete without a drink at Tatooine’s infamous Mos Eisley Cantina, where you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy! Jerk: That’s a weird choice for a commercial slogan. You taking the opinion of some elderly shut-in who doesn’t even like the place Kenobi? I mean, you might as well make a tourism video that said: “Detroit!” to a picture of a demolished building in Detroit. Commercial singers/Jerk v/o: “It’s a shithole full of people who steal!” gunshot sound is heard as we cut back to Jerk. Jerk: Wait a minute; this ride takes place between Episodes III and IV. You mean to tell me that Obi-wan was just quoting the commercial the whole time?! Here I spent the last 35 years thinking he was some wise, old sage and I’m only 28, so that’s saying something, and he’s just some douche bag who quotes commercials? to “A New Hope,” Obi-wan is talking to Luke on the ridge overlooking Mos Eisley. Obi-wan Kenobi/Jerk v/o: 'Applebees, we will truly eat good ''beat in the neighborhood. Living rooms, bathrooms, dinettes, oh yeah, you’ll find them all at the market, it’s just like a mini-mall. Virgin America, where the chicken wraps are made of shrunken men who who you want to have sex with. a commercial break, we cut back to footage of waiting in the queue. 'Jerk v/o: '''Further on in the queue we see a work in progress Captain Rex ''robot pilot from the original ride ''and the long-necked Wall-E’s put in charge of security, one of them with the voice of Patrick Warburton, I like how the changes made here reflect how airports have changed in the real world. Just as a post 9-11 society has more pointless fear-mongering security, so would a war torn galaxy far, far away. ''to Jerk next to a trash bin, his shoulders now meeting the top of the bin. He looks almost like he’s sitting next to it. '''Jerk: I don’t know why they made us up a pair of women’s high heel shoes take off our shoes, that just seems really unec- that we noticed he’s holding the high heels What? I’m old fashioned; I like to dress nice when I go out! Besides, these make me look a lot taller. I’m, uh, not sitting down right now. Jerk v/o: 'We also get this blue screen thingy showing the passing silhouettes of passing characters and cargo, including the most inspiring piece of all, Jar Jar frozen in carbonite. '''Jerk: '''Worthless character, worthless general, worthless senator, and now, worthless knick-knack. He’s so worthless, he’s less worthless. WORTHLESS! to the carbonite scene from “[[Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back|The Empire Strikes Back],” with Jar Jar Binks in place of Han Solo.] '''Princess Leia Organa/Jerk ''v/o: We hate you! Jar Jar Binka/Jerk v/o: Sad Messa know. is then covered in smoke, turning into carbonite. We then cut back to the queue for the ride. Jerk'' v/o: '''Then we collect a pair of required flight glasses, which are required, even though we already have eyeballs and… ''to jerk on the ride, doing a hand puppet, holding the 3D/flight glasses. '''Jerk/hand puppet: …our spaceship has a windshield to protect us from close flying debris. Gee, I sure hope these flight glasses aren’t some sort of front for a headache-inducing gimmick of some sort that requires our eyesight to converge and focus on 2 different points. Especially since these flight glasses apparently won’t be required in this galaxy’s future of 1987 and… cutting to the outside of the ride’s building, we cut to Jerk’s face, wearing the flight glasses. Jerk: …all I’m saying is if there’s not a singing dancing in there, who think he’s here to change the world; I might cut a bitch. then moves hid head closer and further away from the camera to eerie sci-fi music. Jerk'' v/o'': Then we watch the pre-show safety video, hosted by a droid voiced by Allison Janney. Aly San San Janney voiced Droid: Do not put on your flight glasses until instructed to do so by a crewmember. Jerk: Yeah, that robot’s concerned for our safety now. But, what about when the machines rise against us? back to Aly San San, dubbed over by Gladys Sharp (Also voiced by Allison Janney) from “[[Over the Hedge|Over The Hedge]” with “Terminator 2” theme music playing.] Aly San San/Gladys Sharp'' v/o'': '''You see, this is exactly why I call the exterminator, to kill them before they get hurt like this! '''All San San: When the automatic doors have opened, please proceed directly across the ramp into the cabin. Continue to move all the way across your aisle, filling in every seat. see a demonstration of people moving across the aisle then sitting down. Some of the passengers shown are a Twi’lek, a Mon Calamari, Biths, Chewbacca, and other star wars aliens. Jerk:'' [Gasps}'' We get to ride with Chewy! Disney better not be lying to me this time! I’ve already lost faith in God, politics, and correct pronunciation, the mouse is I have! And I am not looking forward to rejoining that cannibalism cult. a pretend bite of his fist, then swats his arm away. To self ''Stop it, Jerk, you’re past it! '''Jerk ''v/o:' Finally, we get to the ride itself…or at least, one of the many rides themselves within the ride itself. '''Jerk:' While the original had the same ride film each time, the new ride has a different film each time, at least, in theory. Unfortunately, to explain it properly will involve math. to “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Villagers: Burn! Jerk: up, trying to appease them. Wait, wait! Okay, to make it more palatable for Americans, it also involves the following clip of Weird Al Yankovic getting hit in the head with a hammer. actually a clip of Weird Al Yankovic singing “Go tell it on a mountain” with an all African-American Gospel choir around a piano. On the side of the clip, Jerk captions what he means. Jerk v/o: Ok, so every time you ride it, they show 4 ride films out of 11 that exist. Let’s call them A, B, C, and D. There’s 2 possible “A” films, 3 possible “B” films, 3 Cs, and yes, 3 Ds. to a gag from “SCTV” where John Candy and Eugene Levi do the “Going back and forth” at the camera that Jerk was referencing ealier. Then cut to random sports montage and the other random footage while Jerk and the caption continues. Jerk v/o: Every time you ride, one of each is chosen randomly using the same technology as slot machines. So you’re literally gambling for a good time. 2x3x3x3= 54 possible combinations. But if a Star Speeder leaves Endor at X light years an hour and 3 weeks later the same Star Speeder leaves Hoth at 0.Y light years an hour and Z is cheating on 9 with the square root of Q, then AxBxC=X. to “Fight Club” Narrator/Edward Norton: If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don’t do that. the caption on the side says: “Everytime you ride Four (4) ride films out of eleven (11) A, B, C, D, Two (2) “A” films (A1, A2) Three (3) “B” films (B1, B2, B3) Three (3) Cs (C1, C2, C3) Every time you ride 1 (one) of each (each.) slot machinez! Papa needs a new pair of FUN! 2x3x3x3= 54 combinations! Star=Speeder Light years/hour X THR3E WEEKS L8TER Bye Hoth! 0.Y LY/H Waut a (1) minute…Z?! How could you?1 HOW COULD YOU?! Square route of QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ button was stuck there sorry Anyway AxBxC=X” Jerk: “Fight Club” Narattor Thanks, former Hulk! to us Why so convoluted? Well, it’s all thanks to a modern miracle of amusement science called: booming announcer voice RE-RIDE-ABILITY! to a parody, black-and-white, PSA video: “Re-ride-ability! and you! with Professor Expert (Really Jerk in a sweater with his hair pulled back.)!” After the title card we cut to a boy named Jimmy, played by Il Nege, but voiced by Jerk. '' '''Jimmy:' Re-ride-ability? But, Professor Expert, what is re-ride-ability? Professor Expert: Jimmy’s head That’s an excellent question, Jimmy. Il Nege: character and is not dubbed by Jerk Wait, now I’m Jimmy again? Prof. Expert: Nege to the ground, still looking at the camera Re-ride-ability is what keeps guests coming back to the park and keeps the parks moving stronger! Here we have a test subject. to Mikey Insanity. Mikey Insanity: at the camera Hi! to Mikey Insanity in front of the Winnie the Pooh ride. Looking like he doesn’t want to ride it. Prof. Expert'' v/o'': If a guest only rides a ride once and sees everything that ride has to offer, he has little incentive to come back and ride it again. to Miley Insanity in front of Star Tours, going on it multiple times, each time looking more obsessed to go back on the ride. At one point, he runs into RosenHacker on his way back to the ride. Prof. Expert'' v/o: But, if a ride has randomly selected variants every time, that same guest might ride it many, many times until the experience is truly complete. He might even go mad with obsession over never getting the ride segments he craves. ''cut to a pie chart called: “Professor Expert’s magical chart-like object: Time spent in Disneyland!” it shows: 2% Space Mountain, 1% Walking past Winnie The Pooh, 1% saying Hi to the camera, and 96% Star Tours. Prof. Expert'' v/o: '''With more time out of a limited vacation spent on a single ride, that guest will have less time for other rides and will have to re-visit the park again… ''to Prof. Expert wearing IMAX 3D glasses. '''Prof. Expert:'' a big booming voice'' …IN THE FUTURE! back to Il Nege/Jimmy on the ground, dubbed by Jerk again. Jimmy: But, Professor Expert, why not just build rides that that people actually want to re-ride? caption is then placed over him: “In memoriam: Namesless inqusitive boy. 1948-1952. Thrown into the ocean of mysterious circumstances. Prof. Expert:'' glasses gone and look down at the ground.'' That’s right, boy in ocean, back to us if not for re-ride-ability, the parks would just blow up from nuclear annihilation and heavens knows we can’t have that! title of the PSA, “Re-ride-ability!,” pops up as the PSA ends, but not before. Prof. Expert clutches his chest. Prof. Expert: Oh, cardiac arrest. falls down, as we cut to the ride seats. Jerk'' v/o'': So, we board the Star Speeder 1000 as it prepares itself for take while, get this, C-3po is in the captain’s chair! Jerk: surprise Wa-wah! That’s not the right place for the droid he is! Is this a shenanigan? ' ' Jerk v/o: 'So yeah, stupid as it was that it was Captain Rex’s 1st flight each time, here with the multiple stories, we have C-3po making the same stupid mistake each time. ''see a Pilot droid leaving the captain’s chair as he talks to C-3po 'Pilot Droid: '''We’re scheduled to depart in a few minutes. '''C-3PO/Jerk ''v/o: he makes his way to the captain’s chair. Well, then you better go someplace far away where you can’t help me if anything goes horribly wrong. in the captain’s chair. There we go. I do enjoy being smarter than everyone el- divider for the cockpit and the cabin. What? Jerk: It’s also the same flight number each time. So, we must be dealing with alternate dimensions here, right? to the home of the All-Being. All-Being: Don’t bother putting this on me. I control the universe, not wherever George-ey Boy Lucas mind is. Ride Film #A1: Stormtroopers ' ' to the POV of the windshield the hangar is crawling with stormtroopers as an imperial probe droid scans us. Jerk: '''In ride film number A1 we get stopped by stormstroopers looking for a rebel spy and in perhaps the new ride’s most clever conceit, the rebel spy is one of us! '''Imperial Probe Droid: This is the speeder we’re looking for! Jerk: a copy of “A New Hope.” This is the movie we’re awkwardly paraphrasing! blankly I’m a stormtrooper! Star Speeder 1000 than follows the Millennium Falcon out of the hangar bay, dodging rebel and imperial ships in their path. C-3PO: Where are we going? Fighters head for us, but blasters pop out of the sides of the Star Speeder 1000 and fire at them. This is madness! to “300” Leonidas/Jerk v/o: THIS IS STAR TOURS! to Darth Vader throwing Emperor Palpatine in the reactor shaft from “[[Star Wars: Return of the Jedi|Return of the Jedi],” with the sound of Leonidas throwing the Persian messenger into a well.] Jerk: Wow! That was actually pretty exciding! But, I know what to expect from Lucas products now a days, I’m sure that… Ride Film #A2: Darth Vader! ' ' Jerk v/o:… ride film A2 will just be some, stupid…''on screen the same into as the last, but instead of a probe droid, it’s Darth Vader …brilliance? '''Darth Vader ''once again by James Earl Jones: on a hover platform. Jerk looks amazed. Halt! Prepare to be boarded captain! '''C-3PO: I’m afraid there’s been a terrible mitake! Darth Vader: Don’t underestimate my power! starts using the force to shake the Star Speeder 1000. C-3PO: Oh no! Star Speeder’s blaster pop out again and fire at Darth Vader, who blocks it with his lightsaber, giving the ship the chance to escape. Goodness, R2, someone could get hurt! a millisecond of Lonely Island’s “Jizz in my pants,” we cut back to Jerk who looks like he did just that. He then does the Jedi Mind trick hand gesture at us. Jerk: 'I did not just simultaneously defecate and ejaculate into my pants. ''Thinks Uh, just to be safe. the Jedi Mind trick on himself I did not just simultaneously defecate and ejaculate into my pants. he walks away ''My pants feel weird. ''back to Vader 'Jerk v/o: '''Holy shit, this alone is worth it! After over a decade of only seeing him as a little kid and an emo teen and a prejudice sand hater and to Vader yelling “NOOO!” in “[[Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith|Revenge of the Sith]”] whatever the fuck “whiny ass” this is; finally, one of the greatest badasses in cinematic history is being a badass again! He’s all- 'Darth Vader/Jerk ''v/o: Fuck you, C-3PO, I fucking built you and I will destroy you! Jerk: And that’s not even the best part. No, here’s the best part. Now, unfortunately I don’t have any footage to prove it, but I swear on Greeto’s grave, one time Beat ''I was chosen as the spy and Darth Vader came on and he said this. '''Darth Vader:' I want that spy! Jerk: Moved Darth Vader wants me? Sure, yeah! I’m down, let’s do it! I’ve been waiting my whole life…now, just to be clear so it’s not awkward later, I am half sand. to “A New Hope” Vader force chokes and Jerk feels it as he falls to the ground '' '''Jerk:' choked voice You villains are all the same! cut to black with the caption: “To be continued…” ''My pants still feel weird. ''then cut to the end credits, half way we cut back to Jerk in the queue. In a British accent. ''Hello, this is fat Bono. I just want to take a moment to talk about the situation in northern Alderan. ''then cut back to the rest of the end credits. Cut back to Jerk who sings ''Life day, Bloody Life day! Life day, Bloody Life day! ''be continued in part 2 Category:Some Jerk With a Camera Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides